


Wasted

by suburban_scum



Category: Alan Ashby - Fandom, Alcohol - Fandom, Bandom, Gay - Fandom, Of Mice & Men (Band), austlan - Fandom, cashby - Fandom, depression - Fandom, slash - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3093290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suburban_scum/pseuds/suburban_scum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meek, abused, over achieving Alan Ashby has always been one to stay in the shadows. When the star baseball player Austin Carlile sets his sights on him, Alan quickly got in over his head. Now, him and Austin are broken up, living in the same house where everyone knows that Alan has turned into a drunken whore. But Austin wants his ginger princess back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Right Side of the Wrong Bed.

This morning I woke up with an arm around my waist, and a pounding in my head. I fought the urge to groan, in fear of waking up whoever the fuck I slept with last night. Carefully I rolled out from under his grasp, sighing as his arm him the bed, his hand dangling off the side of the mattress. I could only assume that this was one of the better wasted hookups that I've had, considering that he was cute, and my ass didn't hurt.

My head was still spinning from last night, obvious that the alcohol was still strong in my system. I got up off of the bed, my legs shaking underneath my weight. Glancing around the bedroom, my eyes fell upon the open door of the bathroom. I slowly made my way over there, feeling that if I walked any faster than I was, I would surely vomit.

Reaching the bathroom, my hand rests on the doorframe, walking inside and closing the door behind me. At first, I refused to look at myself in the mirror, in fear of finding a monster staring back at me. I couldn't stand it anymore, deciding that when I left this house, I didn't want to exit looking the way I probably did now. Glancing up into the mirror, I found that my assumption was correct.

Instead of the warm, brown eyes staring back at me, they were a pair I was far from being able to recognize. My eyes had always been a little...different. But recently I've been getting out of control. Not only were they so unrecognizable, but they were bloodshot. Dark bags lay underneath my wasted eyes. Above them, a deep gash found it's way onto my temple, blood still oozing out of it at a slow pace. I take a deep breath, glancing up to my hair. Besides the bed head, my hair had somehow manage to keep itself together overnight. Scanning down my body, my eyes stopped when they reached the two, big purple bruises on my hips.

"Shit," I mumble, pushing down lightly on one of them, only to wince in pain. Those were a lot more tender than I thought they'd be. That kid in the bedroom didn't look that strong, but obviously he was if he was able to leave these marks on me. Not to mention the multiple hickies on my neck and chest. Fuck, how was I supposed to go home like this?

I decided that I'd better take a shower, considering that this was my best friend, Jack's house and I highly doubted that he'd care if I took a cold shower to loosen my muscles. Starting the shower, I turned the dial to cold, stepping straight into the shower since I wasn't wearing any clothes. At first, the water stung my skin, and felt as though I was being pelted with ice. Although I didn't mind.

I stared down at my body, water droplets falling from strands of my hair and onto my feet. I can't go home like this. The bruises on my hips? Sure, no problem. But these hickies? They were all over my neck. I lived with my best friends, Aaron, Tino, Phil and my ex-boyfriend Austin. Why do I live with my ex? I don't fucking know. He just so happened to be friends with my friends and all of us were inseparable. Well, ever since Austin and I broke up, I've kind of...drifted. That explains why I woke up on the right side of the wrong bed, after sleeping with a stranger.

Aaron and Phil were going to fucking kill me, I knew that much. Not only had I told them that I was visiting my uncle in the hospital, but I told them that I was going to therapy before I left for the hospital. When in reality, I was going day drinking with Jack and his boyfriend, Alex. So, I could only assume that when I stumbled into the house with bloodshot eyes and hickies, I was going to get a long ass lecture.

I was reaching around to scrub my back, when I winced in pain when the soap touched my flesh. Doing my best to look over my shoulder, I could see hundreds of red lines trailing down my back. Fuck, that kid must've had some sharp fingernails. Shit.

After I had gotten out of the shower, I pulled a towel off of the rack, drying myself off and wrapping it around my waist before exiting the bathroom. I found that the boy I had left in the bedroom was sitting up, staring at me with wide eyes.

"You're awake," I force a smile, before scanning the floor for my clothes.

"Yeah," The kid chuckles, his bright blue-green eyes appearing even more beautiful in the sunlight than I remember them being last night. "Do you even remember who I am?"

Shit, did I remember who he was? Kyle. Kasey. Kory. Kellin. Yep, that was it. Kellin.

"You're Kellin." I smile triumphantly, picking my ripped skinny jeans up off the floor. "And your dick was in my ass last night."

Kellin chuckles again. It was definitely something I could get used to. "That I did." He states, nodding. "And I really hope it wasn't a one time thing."

I blush as I sit down on the bed, dropping my towel. "Way to flirt very bluntly."

"I pride myself in that," He tells me, his eyes traveling down to my dick before scanning up my body and finally reaching my eyes. "So, what do you say? Are you going to give me your number? Or do I have to force it out of you?"

"How about you give me your number?" I retort, pushing my legs through my pants, pulling my pants up. I stand up, and button them before turning back to Kellin.

"How do I know you'll call me?"

"Touché." I smirk, rolling my eyes before looking around for my shirt. "You seen my shirt anywhere?"

"Nope, don't see it." Kellin replied instantly, sitting up in bed, clearly displaying his body clad in my boxers. "So, do I get to see you again?"

I smile, feeling butterflies in my stomach at the fact that someone was so interested in me. "Fine. I'll write it down for ya before I leave. Okay?"

He nods. "Come cuddle for a little while?" He pouts.

I shake my head. "Kellin, I'd love to. But I have to get home. It's already-" I glanced to the clock. 4:38 pm. "Shit! I have to go! Kellin, I'll find you, I promise. But I really have to go!" I leaned in, pressing my lips to his before running out of the house, picking up a random shirt on my way out the door. I was relieved to find that my car keys were still in my pants, and I pulled them out, hopping into my car. I told the Aaron that I would be home last night. I was fucked. I tugged on the shirt, immediately finding that it was luckily mine, and I'd have to go back to Jack's for my shoes later.

Thank fuck, I didn't live too far from Jack, so I was home within five minutes. Shit, I wish that Aaron was still at work so I had time to clean myself up. But of course he got off at three. I couldn't have woken up two hours earlier. Fuck. Oh fuck. What was Phil going to do with me? I pulled into the driveway, finding Austin's, Tino's and Phil's car in the driveway, considering that I was driving Aaron's, I knew that Aaron was home too. I sighed, pulling the keys out of the ignition and getting out of the car.

Wobbling up to the front door, I pulled it open, finding all of the guys sitting on the couch. All of their heads snap towards the door once they see me come in.

"Um, hello." I say quietly, closing the front door behind me before stepping further into the house. I can feel all of their eyes burning into my flesh. Before I can make eye contact, my eyes shift to the floor. "I'm just, uh, gonna go to bed."

I began walking towards the stairs, when someone catches me by the shirt. I close my eyes, waiting to be screamed at.

"Alan, where the fuck were you?" Phil's voice echoes in my ear, startling me.

"I told you, I went to therapy and went to see my uncle Rick in the hospital." I grumble, pulling myself from Phil's grip and turning around.

"Really?" Aaron asks, standing up off the couch and raising his eyebrows. "Because last night, your uncle's name was Paul."

"Fuck." I groan, slumping down to the ground, ignoring the throbbing in my head.

"Why do you keep lying to us?" Aaron asks, joining me on the floor. I refuse to look him in the eye, realizing that they would be filled with nothing but disappointment and heartbreak. "We're your best friends, Ash."

I nod, biting the inside of my bottom lip. "I just...I dunno." I reply quietly, looking up to find all of their eyes glued to mine.

"Shit, what happened to your forehead?" Aaron exclaims, leaning over and tentatively touching the tip of his finger to my wound.

"Fuck!" I cringe, accidentally telling louder than I'd anticipated. This gash was much more painful than I'd expected it to be.

"I'm sorry," Aaron says sincerely. He looks up to Phil, who's still standing on the other side of me. "Can you go grab the first aid kit please?"

Phil nods and walks off.

"Alan, take off your shirt."

"What?" I question, raising my eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because I fucking told you to." Aaron snaps, glaring at me. I knew better than to disobey him when he was just trying to help. I sighed, lifting up the bottom hem of my shirt before pulling it over my head.

"Alan, what the fuck?" Tino finally speaks up, staring at me with wide eyes. "Did you get into a gang fight last night?"

I shake my head, taking a deep breath. "I, uh," I began awkwardly, however, luckily for me, Aaron caught on quicker than I expected him to.

"Oh, come on Alan!" He groans, staring at me desperately, begging for me to be wrong. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I slept with someone... again." I whisper, looking down to the floor.

"That explains what happened to your back," Phil says, startling me. I turn around, finding Phil carrying the first aid kit, staring down at my back.

"What's wrong with his back?" Austin asks quietly, his voice bringing me back into a painful reality. He should have no right to feel sad about what happened to me. He's the one who cheated on me. He's the one who left me. He's the one who fucked up.

"Alan, stand up." Aaron instructs.

"Aaron, I-" I began.

"I'm getting impatient. Stand the fuck up." He snaps. Doing as I'm told, I stand up. My eyes contact with Austin's, but his immediately fall to the bruises gripping my hips. "You need to be more careful about who you sleep with." Aaron sighs, standing up. He places his warm hands on my shoulders, turning me around so that my back is facing the guys.

"Was this consensual, Alan?" Austin's scarily quiet voice asks.

"I think so." I reply nervously, remembering the things that Kellin had said to me mere minutes before I left. "I'm supposed to find him later."

"What's his name?" Aaron asks, now doing his best to calm down.

"Kellin something." I reply solidly. "I faintly remember his last name being Quinn."

"Alan's got himself a bar owner, huh?" Tino chuckles, receiving a steely glare from Aaron.

"I'm happy for ya, Ash." He forces a smile towards me. "Maybe he'll finally stop you from sleeping around."

Then, before I knew it, Austin was up off of the couch and storming outside.


	2. Doubles as an Anchor.

The slamming of the front door echoes throughout the house, startling us. Silently I was worrying, despite every fiber in my body screaming that he deserved to be mad. That he deserved to see me off moving on, just like he should do the same. Yet my heart still reached out for him, deep down inside hoping that he still felt some sort of emotion for me other than disappointment or disgust.

"I'm sorry, guys." I mumble, picking my shirt up off of the ground. "I'm beginning to think it wasn't a good idea to have me move in with you."

"Nonsense." Tino replies, standing up from the couch. He stretches for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Austin's just a little bit overprotective of you and-

"He has absolutely no right to be. He's the one who fucked me over. End of story." I snap, my stomach tightening in frustration. Who does Austin think he is? He doesn't control me anymore. I'm not his anymore. He can't expect me to come back running into his arms like I did in high school.

"Let him finish, Alan." Aaron says in a warning tone, raising his eyebrows. Shit, sometimes I think that kid thinks he's my mom or something. I'm an adult, and even though I don't show very good skills at being mature, I can still handle myself. I sighed and nodded, allowing Tino to finish his statement.

"You're his first love, and to be quite honest, I don't think he's gotten over you yet." Tino states simply, before heading towards the door. "I'm gonna go check on the big guy."

I nod, glancing around the room for a pack of cigarettes. The door closes as Tino exits the house, and I decide that its about time for me to go have a smoke. "Aaron, did you keep my cigarettes safe?"

"Yes, I did, Alan." Aaron huffs, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out my pack of Marlboros. "Do not smoke this entire pack tonight, okay?" He instructs, forcing the unopened package into my hand.

"Yes, Mom." I sigh, turning away from him and walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. I glance around a bit, before exiting through the sliding glass door and into the backyard. Sitting down, I opened my pack of cigarettes, pulling my lighter out of the back pocket of my jeans. I lit up, taking a long drag as I began to reflect on last night.

Not only had I never met Kellin before, I'd never even heard his name being mentioned. I remember him being sober last night, and guiding me to Jack's guest bedroom. I had begged him to stay, pulling him into bed with me before he could object. I remember straddling him, leaving sloppy kisses and hickies all over his neck. Nonetheless, he seemed to enjoy it before he flipped us over and began to leave his mark all over me. Kellin was the first kid that I actually felt some sort of emotion toward, the first one I hadn't left before they could wake up. I began questioning myself whether or not this was something I was willing to do.

But then again, Kellin was nice, cute and somewhat quirky, all traits I found attractive in a boy. Yet I was scared. Not for myself, but for Kellin. My friends could be somewhat intimidating, let alone the fact that Austin's eyes would be burning holes into Kellin's flesh. I could never bring another guy home. Not in a million years with Austin around.

I heard mumbling from the side of the house. Being my usual, sneaky, nosy self, I decided to listen in. I knew for a fact that it was Austin and Tino and I could only assume that they were coming to the backyard to sit down in the lawn chairs.

"-and I am just filled with so much love for him," Austin says, his voice shaky and laced with sadness. "But h-he doesn't want it."

"Oh, Aus, I-" I took a drag of my cigarette as Tino's voice stopped, signalling that the pair was right behind me. "Oh, hey, Alan. What're you doing out here?"

I slightly raised my hand holding the cigarette into their view before taking another drag.

"I thought you stopped smoking." Austin says quietly, looking down at me.

"Things change." I answer simply. I bite the inside of my bottom lip, the taste of cigarettes strong in my mouth.

"Didn't you promise Aaron that you wouldn't get addicted?" Tino asks raising his eyebrows at me. I drop my cigarette into the glass cup on the porch, opening the pack and taking out another one.

"Who said I was addicted?" I question skeptically, watching as Austin and Tino sit down in the lawn chairs across from me.

"You just said it for yourself since you pulled another cigarette out." Austin grumbles.

"I just don't want to go inside yet." I reason, shrugging before lighting up and taking a drag.

"Your lungs are going to go shit." Tino scoffs, staring down at the cancer stick in my fingertips.

"I'll take my chances." I counter. "Anywho, what did you guys do last night?"

"Stayed up all night worrying about you." My ex boyfriend replies icily, all precious sadness eliminated from his voice. "Somehow we had a hunch that you were going to go out fucking strangers."

Oh, ouch. That one may have hit home just a little too hard for my liking. How can he even say that? He's the one who put us in this fucking position! If only he didn't fuck some other guy while I was at s work meeting. He ruined my entire life. I wasn't letting him win anymore battles with me.

"You don't know shit, Carlile." I reply, dangerously calm. Because I knew damn well that if I got too worked up, I'd find myself hungover in someone else's bed tomorrow morning. "Kellin isn't a stranger."

"Oh, yeah?" Austin raises his eyebrows, as if daring to challenge me. "When did you meet him?"

"Last night, but-"

"So he's a stranger." Austin interjects, a satisfied smirk on his lips. God, how I wanted to smack it off.

"Austin, leave it." Tino instructs gently, only to be ignored by his best friend.

"How many strangers do you think you've fucked, huh, Alan?" Austin asks cockily, tilting his head to the side, his stupid fucking beautiful brown eyes shining in the light of the sunset.

I can't take anymore of this. My heart was getting heavy, and I immediately realized that there was only one thing I could do to lighten it. I stand up, taking a drag of my cigarette. "I'm gonna go get dressed." I mutter, heading towards the glass door.

"For what?"

"To go fuck some more strangers." I spat, closing the door behind me, finding Phil's eyes wide as he stares at me from the kitchen sink.

I ignore him and begin up the stairs, heading into my bedroom. Peeling off my dirty clothes, I quickly smear some vanilla scented body lotion all over myself before pulling on a pair of non-ripped black skinny jeans and a black v-neck. I tug on my black Toms and look in the mirror, examing the tired, messy haired ginger staring back at me, absolutely begging not to go out tonight. What else was I supposed to do? I didn't have anything else to numb me, something that wouldn't scare the guys too badly.

Exiting my room, I wondered into the bathroom, locking and closing the door behind me. Plugging in the hair straightener, I began to brush my teeth as I wait for it to heat up. After I was done with my teeth, sure enough, my face still looked exhausted. Luckily, it was nothing that a little bit of concealer couldn't fix. After smearing it on my face and rubbing it in, I began on my hair, straightening out all of the little flicky bits until it was styled the way I liked it. I unplugged the straightener and left the bathroom, walking back into my room to grab my phone. I quickly dialed a cab, since I knew damn well that no one was going to drive me to the bar. I had about ten more minutes to do anything I wanted to, so I decided to make myself look a little bit better. When the cab pulled up, my hair was flawless, as was my face. And I was going to leave. I tucked my wallet into my pocket and headed down the stairs, immediately being stopped by Aaron.

"Where the hell are you going?"

"To the bar." I reply flatly, pushing him out of the way before continuing. "Where else?"

"You aren't sleeping with someone else tonight again?" Aaron asks, his footsteps trailing behind me. "Are you?"

I spin around, finally getting sick of his shit. "I can look out for myself, Aaron. I appreciate your efforts, I really do. But I'm a lost cause, and you are never going to fix this mess I've made of myself. That's just how it is." I turn back around, exiting the hallway and entering the living room, finding the other three guys staring at me. "Are any of you gonna try and fucking stop me?"

They remained silent.

My fingertips were on the doorknob when an unforgettable voice said something to me.

"Alan, just...call us if you get into trouble, okay?" Austin asks meekly.

I don't answer him. I just pull the door open, and leave.


	3. And He Needs You.

Hours later and my head was spinning out of control. I had ran into Kellin's friends, Gabe and Jesse. They were going to bring me to Kellin. Apparently, he had been talking about me nonstop since he got home, and he truly thought I was the one. Not that I cared about his feelings right now. We were picking Kellin up and heading to another club, despite me already being shit faced drunk.

Jesse pulled up to a nice, tan colored house, and not too long after, a black crop of hair poked out of the doorway as Kellin began walking towards the car. I ducked down, and as he pulled open the backdoor, I popped up and pressed a kiss to his lips.

"Alan, omigod!" He says happily after we had pulled apart. "I didn't think you'd actually bother to try and find me!"

"Of course I was searchin' for ya, baby." I tell him, leaning in and allowing myself to be pulled into his chest as he closes his car door. "Because I missed you lots."

He hums in response before resting his head on top of mine and wrapping his arm around my waist. Me, being the attention hungry, drunken whore that I was, snuggled right up, absolutely adoring his touch. I must have fallen asleep, because when we woke up we were in the parking lot of a different club.

We went inside, well, more like stumbled in my case, and sat down at an open table. I slouched onto one of the chairs, nodding in response when Jesse asked me if I wanted a UV Blue Bombsicle. They weren't my favorite drink in the world, but I was thirsty so I took it.

My head was rested on Kellin's lap as he stroked my hair, talking and giggling with his friends. Shit, he was even attractive from this angle. That's when I started to feel funny.

I tapped his chest and he lowered his head down, allowing for me to whisper in his ear. "Can you take me home?" Not only was I tired and wanted to sleep, I also wanted to be fucked raw. And I was practically begging for Kellin to be the one to do it.

Kellin's blue eyes shone in the dim lighting of the club, nodding before saying a quick goodbye to his friends. He takes my hand in his, guiding my stumbling ass out of the club, and into Jesse's car. I wasn't paying attention, but I could only assume that Jesse and Gabe were just as trashed as I was, and that neither one of them were able to drive home.

Kellin pulls open the front passenger side door open for me, gingerly helping me inside before pressing a kiss to my forehead and closing the door. I buckle myself up as he walks to the other side of the car, pulling open the driver's door and getting inside.

"What's your address, Alan?" Kellin asks politely, smiling as he pulls out of our parking spot. I mumble out the address that has been burned into my head ever since I'd moved there. Right on good old Princeton Ave. Kellin's cheeks flushed as I took his right hand in mine, holding it as he drove.

"Are you gonna stay with me?" I ask, silently hoping for a yes.

"Do you want me to?" Kellin asks in response.

"Yeah." I say, quiet and almost shyly.

"Then I will."

"Hold on, lemme just call my roommates and see if they care." I tell him, pulling out my phone and holding down the one, which had Austin on speed dial. I don't know why I hadn't changed it, but it was whatever.

"Hello? Alan, what's going on?" He answered before it even went to the first ring.

"Hey, yeah, no, everything's fine, Austin." I respond, looking over to Kellin and rolling my eyes. I smile when the older boy laughs quietly. "Can you put Aaron on?"

"If you wanted to talk to Aaron, why didn't you just call his phone?" Austin snaps, clearly done with my shit.

"I dunno. You were first on my speed dial and I'm lazy." I reciprocate, laying my head against the cold car window.

"I was?" He asks. Oh God, this is exactly why you can't say shit like that to him.

"Yes, shut up and put Aaron on." I reply, annoyed.

"You're on speaker." Aaron says.

"Shit, well, uh, is it okay if I have Kellin over?"

"Are you serious?" Aaron chuckles, his voice sounding assholey over the phone. "I can't believe you actually went and found him. I guess you're not a huge slut, huh?"

"Shut up, Aaron." I whine, listening to the other guys laugh in the background. "Can he or not? Because I really like him and I promise I'll keep my moans down if we fuck."

"Alan, you've said that like a million times." Phil interjects. "I can hear you from the living room sometimes. You sound like a cat."

"That's because I am a fucking cat." I say in a 'duh' tone of voice. "I thought wed established that already. Now answer my question."

There's a quiet murmuring in the background before someone finally speaks up.

"Fine, bring him over. But I have want to have a little chat before you two proceed with the sexy time." Aaron finally states, before the line goes dead. I drop my phone onto my lap before looking to Kellin.

"You can stay!" I smile happil y"We get to snuggle all night!"

Kellin nods and smiles before turning into my driveway. "We're here, Alan."

"Carry me inside?" I ask sweetly, sticking out my bottom lip just for extra effect.

Kellin grins and nods again, before pulling the keys out of the ignition, getting out, and walking over to my side of the car. He opens my door for me, and pulls me out, easily lifting me up bridal style. He gently kicks the car door closed with his foot and begins to carry me to the front door.

We reach the top of the front porch step, and I knock on the door, not wanting to bust in out of nowhere. The door is pulled open by none other than Aaron who grins.

"Ta-Da!" I exclaim, throwing my arms up in the air as Aaron ushers Kellin and I inside.

Aaron flashes a smile. "Welcome home, Alan." He chuckles, before looking up to the boy carrying me. "You must be Kellin. I'm Aaron, Alan's best friend."

"Nice to meet you," Kellin smiles politely. God, he was precious. I glanced to my left, finding Austin's eyes glued to Kellin, as I knew that they'd be. I ignored it however. If he couldn't be happy for me, then I didn't need to speak to him. Kellin takes off his shoes with his feet as Aaron pulls mine of off me.

"You can just put him on the couch, Kellin." Aaron suggests, motioning towards the now empty couch. Tino and Phil had gotten up, Phil staring proudly at me like I wasn't drunk, and like Kellin was some sort of long time boyfriend. Not like I cared anyway.

Kellin set me on the couch, and he went to stand back up again, but while he was off guard I pulled him down by his elbows, causing him to stumble and fall onto me. His chest was pressed to mine, his chest tattoo poking out from his v-neck. Fuck that was hot. Despite my longing to have him take me right on this couch, my friends were watching. I was a whore, but not that much of a whore. I pressed a quick kiss to Kellin's pale lips before sitting up, him tumbling onto the couch cushion next to me. He pulls me into him, my head rested on his shoulder.

"How was your night out, Al?" Phil asks, taking a seat on the wooden coffee table, facing Kellin and I.

"You'll have to ask Kellin," I giggle, nuzzling into the taller boy's side. "I don't remember much of it."

"Kellin?" Phil asks, a faint smile across his lips.

I feel Kellin's chest heave lightly as he chuckles. "Well, I'll spare you the details. Let's just say that there was quite a bit of giggling and groping."

"I'm glad you left out the details." Aaron winks, smiling as he sits down next to Phil on the coffee table.

I make eyecontact with Tino, and he mouthes something to me.

'Meet me outside.'

"Kell?" I ask quietly, looking up at the boy I was rested on. "I'm going out for a smoke, alright?"

"Alright, babe." He smiles and removes his arm from around my shoulders.

"I think I'll go out there with him." Tino says, standing up just as I do. "Just to make sure he doesn't run off."

Aaron nods in confirmation. "Good idea."

I make my way towards the back door, Tino following me. Once we were outside, I spun around, pulling my pack of cigarettes out.

"What's up?" I mumble, not being able to talk very well with a cigarette dangling from my lips. "It's not an issue with Kell, is it?"

Tino shakes his head. "Not exactly my issue. More so Austin's issue."

I light my cigarette and take a drag. "The fuck are you talking about? Kellin's just some dude I brought home."

"When he called you 'babe', Austin looked like he was gonna flip shit." Tino states, leaning against the house.

"So?" I raise my eyebrows. "What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Get back together with him."

"Fuck you." I reply, rolling my eyes. "After what he did to me? Not a fucking chance."

"Alan, c'mon, he's dying without you." Tino presses on, staring at me with pleading eyes. Oh please, like that was going to work on someone like me.

"And I'm dying over the fact that I find myself still missing him." I mutter, shaking my head. "He needs to get the fuck over it."

"It was an accident, Al! You know he'd never cheat on you!" Tino argues, his voice rising. Did he think this was a fucking joke? I mean, get me outside to come and yell at me because his best friend is a mopey little bitch? That seems low, even for someone associated with Austin.

"But that's the thing. He did cheat on me. You know why, Tino?" I snap, taking a few steps closer to him. "Do you know why?"

"No...Austin never told me." He admits, awkwardly bringing his hand up to scratch the back of his neck. Of course he'd never told Tino. Of course he'd make me out to be the bad guy. Well, I suppose that it was more believable for me to be the dick out of the two of is. Considering that he was THE Austin Carlile with the heart of fucking gold, and I was just Alan. The one with the black heart. Not that I minded anymore. I've quickly found out that bad boys definately have more fun.

"Fuckin' ask him about it sometime." I grumble, dropping my cigarette onto the pavement and stomping it out before going back inside the house.

I walked down the hallway, butterflies filling my stomach when I heard Kellin's laughter echoing down the hallway. I walked into the living room, Kellin's eyes brightening when he makes eye contact with me.

"Hey, darlin'." He smiles sweetly, gesturing for me to come back and sit down on the couch next to him. I do, allowing him to lace his fingers between mine. I glanced over to Austin, finding him staring right back at me. I felt my heart sink for a mere second, before the thought of him cheating came back into my head. And I hated him all over again.

"Hey," I smile back, sitting up to press a kiss to his porcelain cheek. I pull away, finding Aaron smiling at us like we were the two cutest shits he'd ever seen.

After awhile of mindless conversation and chatting, Kellin announced that he had a meeting tomorrow, and he had to get some sleep. Currently, I was standing at the door. Kellin's hands on my waist, my hands around his neck.

"I'll come by tomorrow, okay?" Kellin asks, staring into my eyes. "I'll take you on a real date and everything."

"Really?" I smile, my stomach filling up with happiness. "You don't have to. I mean, I'd be happy eating pizza rolls on your couch and watching Bates Motel."

"Just once, I wanna spoil you. Just this once." He says, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose. "Then we can be lazy wherever, and eat pizza and watch Netflix. I promise."

"Alright..." I say, trailing off. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

He leans in, connecting our lips before pulling away a few seconds afterward. "Of course. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." I reply sadly. I frown as he turns around and begins walking back to Jesse's car. I close the door, turning around to find all of the guys out of the living room except for Austin. I sighed, plopping down on the couch.

"What's up?" I mutter, looking at him from the corner of my eye. He looks surprised, like he's wondering why I'm actually talking to him first for once. Good. He should feel that way.

"Uh, just sitting here. Wondering why you were able to move on so quickly." He replies, suddenly getting sassy with me. Oh, really? He really wanted to mess with the sass master?

"It's been six months, dude." I sigh again, turning to look at him. "You cheated on me."

"I was drunk-"

"That's a shit excuse. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have." I interrupt, my tone colder than ice. "You shouldn't have ever gotten with me, Austin. We'd both be better off."

"You don't mean that." He defends quickly before looking over to me. "Who else would have saved you from yourself?"

"I could have done it myself." I snap, huffing. "I never asked for your fucking help."

"Well, what was I supposed to do when I saw you standing on the edge of that bridge? Let you jump?"

"If you had any sort of sympathy you would have." I say quietly, looking down to my shaking hands, still blurry from the alcohol in my system. "Typically someone trying to commit suicide doesn't want to live, Austin."

"Alan-"

"Save it." I cut him off, getting off of the couch and standing up. "It doesn't matter."

Before he could say anything, I had walked away, and was beginning to make my way up the stairs. I pushed open the door to my room, entering and closing the door behind me. I tugged off my jeans and my shirt before crawling into bed, hoping that this entire day was just a dream. I didn't need anyone.


	4. Get Me Out of My Head.

I woke up with an unsettling feeling of pure nothingness enveloping my entire body. Nothing felt real anymore. Everything all felt as though it was one huge dream, yet my eyes were open, and I could feel things happening to my body. My stomach ached from all of the liquor I had consumed last night, but I did my best to ignore it. The aches in my body were the only think anchoring me to reality.

I remembered the majority of last night. Remembering cuddling with Kellin on my couch, and talking to Austin. Yelling at Tino and smiling at Aaron. My heart was empty. I was empty. This is what I had feared the most. Black hearted, dead Alan was back. And I had a certain feeling that I would be unable to hide him today.

Deciding that I really didn't give the slightest ounce of a fuck, I pulled open my bedroom door, exiting and beginning the trek downstairs. I made my way into the kitchen, deciding on preparing myself a cup of black coffee and eating half of an apple. I pulled out my special coffee cup, and put it under the coffee machine, allowing the dark liquid to spill out into my cup. Walking over to the refrigerator, I pull it open, grabbing an apple before setting it down in the counter to cut it.

"Hey, Alan." Phil's voice says from behind me. I internally cringed, already feeling the anger build up inside of me.

"Hi." I reply shortly, proceeding in cutting my fucking apple.

"How are you?" Phil asks, walking up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Your back looks a lot better."

I take a deep breath. "Can you please go get Aaron?" I ask as politely as I can, despite the urge to rip his fucking head off.

"Why? What's wrong, dude?" Phil asks, obviously clueless to the whole matter.

"Today is one of those days." I grumble, biting my lip as I separate the half of the apple that I was eating.today from the rest of it. Maybe I'll eat it tomorrow.

I heard Phil's footsteps practically running out of the kitchen. I didn't get what the big deal was. I didn't think I was that bad when I was like this. Okay, thinking back on it, I was pretty bad.

Popping an apple slice into my mouth, I turned around to find that Phil had returned, but instead of Aaron, Austin was trailing behind him.

"The fuck do you expect him to do?" I snap, after swallowing my apple slice. I watched as Phil cringed at my words, but Austin remained expressionless.

"Ash, Aaron is at work." Phil states, watching me with careful eyes as I lifted my coffee cup up to my lips, taking a sip. I could understand why he was acting sheepish. Most likely because I once threw a coffee cup at Aaron when I was in one of these shitty moods. "Austin is the only other one in this house that can calm you down."

"Maybe I don't want to calm down." I reply, swallowing my coffee before looking back up to them. "What if I'm fucking fine just the way I am?"

"Will you please just talk to him, Alan?" Phil begs, taking a few steps forward, eyes pleading.

"He's not a fucking therapist, Phil!" I exclaim, setting my coffee cup down on the counter. "What if I need professional help?"

"We already know you need professional help," Austin snaps, finally speaking up. "We just need for you to get some fucking insurance so we can get you the help you obviously need."

I sigh, allowing Austin's words to sink deep into my head. I stare down at my feet for a moment, contemplating. I knew that if I didn't talk to Austin, I'd feel this awful all day. And I'd end up drinking for the third night in a row. But if I did talk to him, I could easily see myself succumbing to his charms and falling back in love with him. Scratch that, I don't truly think I ever fell out of love with him. In reality, my heart was still in his hands, just as his lie in mine.

"Fine," I grumble, pushing off the edge of the counter and standing up straight. "Where are you gonna take me?"

"My room." Austin replies simply, receiving a grateful smile from Phil.

"What?" I ask, dumbfounded. "There's no way I'm going in your room."

"It's the darkest room in the house, and besides," He spins around, staring at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes. "You like talking about your feelings in the dark."

I nod, finally agreeing to his wish. I shot one last glare at Phil before following Austin to the basement door. Luckily, that little shit had the entire basement to himself, since he was the one who got to choose his room first.

Austin pulled open the door and held it open for me, allowing me to venture down the stairs before him.

"Not even a simple 'thank you'?" Austin's voice follows from me. "Shit, you must really be out of it today, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah." I grumble, reaching the bottom of the stairs. The room doesn't look very different from the last time I'd been here six months ago. The walls were still painted black just as I had remembered. Glancing around, I found that pictures of him and I still hung on his walls. Ones of us kissing, cuddling, walking. "You still have these?"

"Of course I do," He replies, turning off the light. "They were the best moments of my life."

My heart fluttered, but I bit my tongue. Soon enough, I felt Austin's hand on my own, and I allowed him to lead me to his bed. There were memories that were ruining my head. Like on his birthday, when we had both gotten half drunk. He had pulled me down into bed with him, and- well, you can imagine what happened next.

I snapped out of my reminiscing stage, suddenly feeling uncomfortable sitting with Austin on the bed that we had once made love on. A shiver slide down my spine as I was pulled back, Austin's strong, yet skinny hands wrapping around my waist startled me. I found myself leant against the wall, feeling his presence beside me.

"You know that you don't have to be uncomfortable around me, right?" He questions, positively radiating love, as he always did. Austin has always had a talent for making me feel safe. And I never felt safe. But when this tall, lanky, goofy man was sat down next to me, all my worries seemed to melt away, and I was once again living in the moment. Like him and I were infinite, our worlds connected and never ending. This was one of those moments.

"What?" I ask incredulously, raising my eyebrows even though I knew that he wasn't able to see it. "Of course I know. You know everything about me already, it shouldn't really matter."

"True," Austin agrees, that stupid, unmistakeable chuckle finding it's way into his voice. But he quickly grows serious again. "So that means that you won't have any trouble telling me what's been on your mind lately?"

I let out a sigh, questioning whether or not I wanted to explain myself to my ex-boyfriend. Then again, was there anything left for me to lose? I was already a mess, a suicide waiting to happen. Why not take a risk? Besides the point, this was Austin we're talking about. He would never intentionally hurt me.

"Weird shit, dude." I mutter, closing my eyes. The room was already pitch black, so it didn't matter anyway. "Life and death. You and I. Why I exist. Stuff like that."

"Alan, are you suicidal?" Austin asks tentatively, causing my heart rate to increase.

"I'm not sure." I reply honestly. "Are you telling me that everyone doesn't feel this way?"

"How do you feel?" The boy to my left asks, his voice almost lost in the darkness.

"How do I feel?" I scoff, shaking my head. "I feel empty. Lost, as though I should be looking for something more. There's always a stupid voice in the back of my head telling me that life adds up to more than this, and that I'm the only one unable to feel complete."

"What is your life?" He asks quietly. "Can you describe it to me?"

"My life is dark, and dismal. Rarely anything goes on, except for my repulsive behavior. Getting black out drunk, fucking strangers, loathing myself."

"What do you consider repulsive about yourself?"

"My drinking habits, and my longing to be loved." I reply after a moment of silence. "As a great man once said, 'I am so full of love, and nobody wants it.'."

Austin chuckles nervously. "You heard that, huh?"

"Yeah," I tell him, reflecting back to the moment. Suddenly wishing that I had a cigarette. "You don't deserve to put up with me, Aus. You have too much going on."

"Like what?" He scoffs. "You're the only thing going on in my life, and you aren't even mine."

"Was I ever really yours, though?" I question. "I had always thought depression owned me."

"Well, depression better step the fuck off because you're mine." Austin states, leaning over to sling his arm around my shoulders. I sigh, leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder.

"What're we doing, Aus?" I ask quietly, burying my forehead into the fabric of his T-shirt. "We kill each other, you know that, right?"

He sighs. "Of course I do. But we're also the only thing keeping each other alive."

I chuckle, taking in a deep breath. God, how could I deny him any longer? Ever since the second that we'd broken up, I'd been a mess. He'd been miserable. Perhaps things were better off when we were together.

Then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Austin huffs, looking up the stairway to find Phil staring back at us.

"Uh, Alan?" Phil says awkwardly. "Kellin is here for you."

"Shit." I hiss under my breath, sneaking out from under Austin's comfortable grip. "I'm sorry, Aus."

Austin shakes the head, the light from the kitchen shining down and only illuminating half of his face. "It's okay that you don't love me anymore, Alan. But please, don't rub it in my face."

"Austin, I do love you, with every ounce of my being. But I refuse to hurt you anymore." I mutter, before turning around and going up the stairs.

I enter the kitchen, finding Phil staring at me with a sympathetic look. I just force a smile before walking towards the living room. When I got there, Kellin was seated on the couch, looking as angelic as ever.

"Hey, sweetheart!" Kellin exclaims when he sees me, getting up off of the couch and slinging his skinny arms around mg waist. "I was missing you at work today."

"I can bet that I missed you more." I say, not totally lying. Of course I had thought about Kellin. I liked the way he was so into me. I liked being liked. But the thing about Kellin was that his arms were pale, and he only had one sleeve unlike the two tanned, two sleeved arms that I was familiar with. Instead of staring into warm, chocolate brown eyes, all I saw was icy blue. When I ran my fingers through his hair, there was much more of it than I was used to. The thing was, he just wasn't Austin Carlile.

Kellin smiles, leaning in for a kiss and I cooperate. Feeling his lips on mine was different. From the way he positioned his tongue, to his hands rested solidly on my ass, nothing felt right. But I allowed it to happen.

"So," Kellin beams once we had pulled away. "I thought maybe you and your friends would like to come to my bar tonight for some free drinks? Just so they can get to know me."

"Why?" I murmur, taking his hands into mine. "Trust me, you don't want to be anymore associated with me than you already are."

Kellin giggles, a cute, melodic sound. "See, that's where you're wrong, Alan Ashby. I was going to wait until tonight, but...would you, uh, maybe wanna be my boyfriend?"


	5. My Blood is Burning.

Who the fuck did he think he was? My blood boiled just at the mere thought of him, and with my shit luck, of course all of my friends were in love with him. What was so good about him anyway? So what he was skinny, and short, and had a healthy heart? I knew Alan didn't care about those things. Well, at least now he didn't.

The love of my life was drunkenly swaying on the dancefloor with a man who wasn't me. It's not like Kellin is a bad guy, or that I had any real reason to not like him other than the fact that he's treating my love better than I ever had. See, I never was much of a dancer, and that's Alan liked to do. He liked to get wasted, and all he ever wanted was to take me out onto the fucking dancefloor and dance with me. And I refused to. I quickly found out that this was one of my largest regrets, as I remember the multiple times where Alan had stumbled up to me, pressing a sloppy, vodka flavored kiss to my lips and begging me to dance with him. Of course I had brushed him off every time, always forcing Phil or Aaron to go dance on him, just so some creepy stranger didn't.

Kellin's hands gripped Alan's waist, almost covering the bruises he had left on Alan's pale hips as he pulled Alan into him. Alan didn't protest. He never did when he was like this. Except, he spun around, swinging his arms around his new boyfriend's neck. He leans in for a kiss, Kellin smirking into it as his hands trail further and further down his back until they're rested solidly on Alan's ass.

I bit my lip, ignoring the familiar flame of anger rising in my stomach. I turned back towards the bar, in fear of going out onto the dance floor and punching Kellin in the face. I took a deep breath, picking up my bottle of beer and taking a slow sip.

"Are you okay, Austin?" Aaron asks softly, his voice barely audible over the loud pounding of Kid Cudi's 'Pursuit of Happiness'.

I shook my head, sighing. "Is it that obvious that I'm not?"

Aaron smiles weakly, nodding. "You've been watching them all night, y'know."

"I just want him to be safe." I say, not telling Aaron a full lie. Not only did I want Alan to be safe, but I wanted him to be mine again. I wanted for him to want me. I wanted to be his obession again. "He hasn't exactly taken good care of himself lately."

"Kellin will be good for him." Aaron assures, taking a sip of his beer. "He needs a new plaything."

"Plaything?" I raise my eyebrows. "What do you mean by that?"

I had always known that Alan struggled with commitment issues. He'd never told me whether or not he was scared of it, or if he just didn't like being tied down. Even when we were dating, he'd often need to take a few hours out of our time together for himself. Which I understood completely. But I felt as this was different than how it was then. Now, I felt as though not only did Alan want love, he wanted blood and guts. He was a natural born heartbreaker. Once you'd fallen in love with him, you could consider yourself utterly screwed. I know first hand, since I remember being terrified once I had first told Alan that I loved him. Luckily for me, he had said it back. But, things these days were different. Alan was a black widow. Once you'd fallen in love with him, and he'd taken control of all of your affection, he'd rip out your fucking heart and leave you to bleed on the floor. Metaphorically, of course.

Alan always told me that he was heartless, and it wasn't till he'd broken up with me when I started believing it. The boy who once fell asleep on my chest, and cried during Disney movies, was now ignoring me. Pretending that my very existence in his life was irrelevant. Like we never even happened. The night after I had cheated on him, and he had broken up with me, he had came home drunk. And spilled his heart out to me, something he hated doing. He explained that he wasn't supposed to get his heart broken, that I wasn't supposed to be like the rest of them. Considering the fact that Alan had never really dated that many people, I'd never figured out who 'the rest of them' were.

"Alan isn't going to stay with that kid." Aaron sighs, taking a sip of his beer. Not only did I agree with him, because not only did Alan get quite bored of people easily, but because Aaron was always right. "No matter how good he is for him."

I force a smile, glancing down to my hands, which were rested on the bar in front of me. "You think so?"

"He never stays with anyone for longer than a month or so." He says, rolling his eyes. "I've tried to figure him out so many times, but I just can't. He doesn't have a valid nor fair reason to tear these people apart."

I nod in agreement. "Knowing first hand, I can guarantee that he knows how to destroy an entire world in a couple of words. He's smart."

Aaron chuckles, running his hand through his hair. "Thank you for talking to him today. I know he's not exactly cooperative while he's like that but-

"It's really no problem. You know I'd do anything for him, no matter how much he'd hate me for it." I smile, turning back around to find Kellin helping Alan guide himself back over to the guys and I.

"Hi!" Kellin beams, his smile brighter than my future. "Alan doesn't like this song, so he decided to come and say hi to you guys."

Alan smiles from his spot next to Kellin, drunkenly swaying back and forth in the dim light of the bar. "Hi guys." Alan slurs, supporting his weight onto Kellin, who doesn't have the slightest issue in holding him up.

"Hey, Alan." The guys chorus, receiving a huge grin from the ginger princess.

"Guys, Kelly is going to buy me a fucking cat!" Alan exclaims, throwing his skinny arms up into the air.

"Wow, that's great!" Aaron smiles, his voice sounding like he was talking to a small child instead of a grown man.

"I dunno if it's obvious or not, but my darling's had a bit too much to drink." Kellin says sarcastically, grinning when Alan giggles and buries his face into Kellin's neck, his ginger hair falling and splaying over the black fabric of Kellin's tank top.

The fact that they had already established little cute things to call each other irked me. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch, or person that I couldn't stab, for that matter. That person being Kellin. Not that I thought that he was a shit person, or anything. He was just holding onto something that was mine. And he needed to back the fuck up.

"Yeah, maybe we outta head out." Phil smiles, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his.

"I'm actually pretty hungry." Tino shrugs, patting his stomach. Of course he was fucking hungry. Although he'd never make any food for himself, he'd eat absolutely anything anyone else made. So at least he was compliant.

Alan grinned at me, causing butterflies to swell in my stomach, and I knew that I shouldn't be getting excited. He was drunk. He didn't know what he was doing, let alone who the fuck he was smiling at or what it meant. Alan didn't care.

"How about we head home and order pizza?" Aaron suggests with a shrug. Tino and Phil nod eagerly, and Aaron glances to me. "What about you, Austin?"

"That's fine," I reply carelessly. I wasn't exactly stoked to have my lips swell up from all of the pepperoni that I would undoubtedly eat tonight, but I ignored the negatives and focused on the positives. Pepperoni was delicious as fuck, so it was definitely worth it.

"Than it's settled. Will you be joining us Kellin?" Aaron asks, rolling his eyes at Alan's immediately pouting expression, staring up at his boyfriend with those big bloodshot, brown doe eyes.

"I'd love to, but I've got to lock up tonight," Kellin frowns, looking unbelievably handsome even while doing something as simple as that. No wonder Alan was so attracted to him. Well, if he even was truly attracted. No one ever knew what was going on in Alan's frazzled mind. "Next time, for sure."

Aaron nods, once again rolling his eyes at Alan's saddened expression. I knew he cared for Alan with all of his heart, but when Alan was drunk he was definitely a handful.

"I'll see you later, sweetheart." Kellin says, pressing a kiss to Alan's forehead before gently pulling the other boy's hands off of him, guiding him to Aaron. He takes Alan's hand in his, while the ginger boy pouts at his boyfriend.

"I wasn't done dancing!" He exclaims, motioning toward the dancefloor with his free hand. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard him say that, I'd be a fucking millionaire.

"You can dance at home, Alan." Aaron says, sounding like an overworked stay at home mother. "You can come back to the bar tomorrow too, right Kellin?"

"Of course you can," Kellin smiles, leaning in and pressing what was supposed to be a short kiss to Alan's lips, but Alan's freehand came up and held Kellin's head in place. Finally, Aaron pulled Alan's hand away, Kellin pulling back, grinning with flushed cheeks. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Alan nods, smiling widely as Aaron, Tino, Phil and I get off of our bar stools, beginning to exit the bar as Alan clung to Aaron like a small child. Occasionally I felt bad for Aaron, always having to play the mother role toward Alan. But, for the most part I was jealous. Alan trusted Aaron with every fiber of his being, and even though Alan would never admit it, Aaron was like a brother to him.

We exited the bar, the sound of Alan's shoes shuffling against the concrete the only sound to be heard besides the light thump of the music inside of the bar. We reached Aaron's car, and I pulled the right back door open, sitting down inside and closing the door. I was pulling my seatbelt on, when the door across from me opened, and in slid Alan, followed by Phil.

Phil sighed as he helped Alan with his seat belt and I silently wondered why Alan had to sit in the middle. Well, scratch that. I actually remember Tino telling me a story where Alan was drunk and he opened the car door and tried to roll out like a ninja. So that explains why he was in the middle, I guess.

Aaron gets in and starts the car, Tino sitting next to him in the front seat. The ignition turns on, and Weezer's 'Buddy Holly' begins playing through the speakers of the car.

"This is my fucking jam!" Alan exclaims, eyes widening as he turns to Phil. "This is my fucking jam!" He repeated, as if Phil hadn't heard him the first time.

Phil just nods, plastering a smile onto his face. "Yeah, I know Alan."

We begin to drive, Alan headbanging and humming every note beside me. He had insisted that we roll down all of the windows, and turn the music up. At first, we'd refused, but once he started crying we were quick to comply.

"OOO-WEE-OOO I LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY!" Alan sings at the top of his lungs, practically bouncing up and down in his seat. Once the song ends, he turns to Phil, taking some of his long brown hair into his hands.

"Alan, what're you doing?" Phil asks, his cheeks blushing red. The ginger ignores him, examining Phil closer before moving up to his face, caressing his cheeks, poking his lips and putting his fingers in Phil's ear.

"Phil, you are just so fucking gorgeous, man." Alan mumbles, nuzzling his face into Phil's hair, causing me to chuckle. "Like...your hair smells like strawberries."

Phil's eyes widen, and luckily for him, we didn't live too far from the bar and we were home. Phil was definitely out of the car first. Alan turns to me after taking his seatbelt off, his eyes wide.

"Will you carry me inside?" He asks meekly, grinning when I nod my head and take him into my arms after taking my own seatbelt off. Alan had always been skinny and lightweight, but never this light. He was definitely too easy to pick up, and I began to worry. He kisses my cheek in thanks before nuzzling into my neck, the warmth of his breath sending shivers down my spine.

I closed the back door, simply standing there for a moment, just enjoying Alan's warmth and affection for the time being. I craved him so often, and I knew that another moment such as this wouldn't come for a very long time, and I made the best of it. I carried the frail ginger boy into the house, closing the door behind me as I pulled off my shoes with my feet, and Aaron once again took Alan's shoes off. I walked into the living room, setting Alan down on the couch, before sitting next to him, his head right beside my thigh. He mews before scooting upwards and resting his head on my lap, mumbling something inaudible.

"What was that?" I ask quietly, ignoring the happiness filling my stomach.

"Play with my hair." He repeats, opening his eyes for a moment only to close them again. I reached up, running my hand through his soft masses of hair, feeling him relax further into my skinny lap. We remained that way until the pizza had arrived, and of course, Alan didn't want to get off of my lap.

"Alan, come on."

"That's not my name," Alan smirks with his eyes still closed as he buries his face further into his hands.

I sigh, ignoring the shaking of my hands. "Please get up, my beautiful Ginger Princess. It's time to eat." I say excitedly, smiling as Alan sits up, beaming at me.

"That's better." He replies, skipping to the kitchen.

Aaron winks at me and I roll my eyes, sick of his shit. He opens the pizza box, and I cringe at the sight of pepperoni, knowing I was about to scarf all of it down. Alan stumbles back into the room, a plastic solo cup in his grasp. Was he really drinking more? Aaron gives him a warning look and Alan sighs.

"It's a glass of fuckin' Sprite. I already know I'm wasted." Alan giggles, coming back into the living room and taking place on my lap. I take a deep breath, biting my lip as he rests the side of his head against mine, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

We begin eating, all except Alan of course. He says he's afraid to throw it back up, but I felt like he was lying. I didn't call him out on it though. We had decided to stop eating and put the pizza away after Alan threw a piece at the TV. Now, his head was rested in my lap as he was sobbing.

"I-I just wanna snuggle!" Alan cries, tears streaming down his cheeks. I would feel like shit, if it weren't for what he was saying, because let's face it, it was pretty funny.

"Alan, you're snuggling with Austin." Aaron chuckles, staring at his best friend in amusement.

"I wanna snuggle with Jesus!" The ginger boy argues, burying his head into my stomach further as the rest of us laugh at him.

"Alan, what can we do to make you stop crying?" Tino asks nicely, Alan's feet splayed across his lap. Alan turns over, looking up at me with those watery eyes.

"I wanna watch a movie." Alan says, still staring into my eyes. I don't know what it was about him, but he was my absolute everything. My entire world, all I care about.

"What movie?" Phil asks, wondering over to the movie shelf, scanning it down with his eyes. Ten minutes of Alan being silent, the guys and I had engaged in silent conversation before Alan finally spoke.

"I like Happy Feet." He states, crawling further up my body until his head was right onto my chest, pushing me down into a laying position.

"Well, let's put in Happy Feet!" Tino grins, Phil looking for the movie.

And that's how Alan and I fell asleep last night. Alan's tears falling onto my shirt, my arms locked around his waist, holding him against my body as he silently cried into my shirt, listening to Happy Feet in the background. He had fallen asleep in the middle of it, the guys smiling at me as they headed to their bedrooms. Not wanting to wake up the sleeping princess, I just laid there and tried to drift off to sleep, and eventually I did.


	6. My Clothes Still Smell Like You.

This morning I woke up with my face buried into a neck that wasn't my boyfriend's. At first I began questioning myself whether or not I had brought anyone home last night. But, when I found that I was still wearing my boxers and T-shirt, I had assumed that nothing had happened. I grumbled, lifting myself up to find Austin's big brown eyes staring into mine.

"Goodmorning." I tell him, forcing a smile. He smiles back, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as they often did.

"Goodmorning, vodka breath." Austin chuckles, sticking out his tongue. I had to ignore the urge in my chest to lean in and kiss his fucking tongue back into his mouth, but I resisted.

"I should probably go brush my teeth, huh?" I say embarrassed as my cheeks heat up. I move to get up off of my Austin-bed, but his hands wrap around my waist, and pull me back down.

"No," He pouts, shaking his head. "I wanted to snuggle with you."

"We snuggled all night, Aus." I point out, fighting the grin trying to spread across my lips. I could never figure it out about Austin. The way he made me so happy, I mean. He didn't even have to try, yet he made me into an entirely happy person while we were together. No one else could do that for me.

"So?" Austin questions, raising his eyebrows. "Who said I didn't want more?"

My stomach swells as I bite the inside of my lip, staring at the boy in front of me. We gazed into each other's eyes for a few moments, his eyes melting into mine. Finally, I rested my head back in the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and smelling nothing but Austin. That was definitely something I didn't mind.

"Alan?" Austin asks quietly, the rising and falling of his chest causing my head to move along with it. It was quite relaxing, to be perfectly honest.

"Yeah?" I murmur into his neck, my lips barely pressed to the soft skin. I closed my eyes, melting into the gentleness of his touch.

"What happens next?" He asks cautiously, his voice laced with worry and uncertainty. It made me upset that I didn't have the slightest clue in what to say to him, nor did I have any choice but to allow things to go back to the way that they used to be.

I sigh, propping myself up on my life elbows as I stare into his eyes once more. "We pretend that none of this ever happened. I go back to ignoring you, and you go back to hating me."

"Alan, I never hated you-" He begins, but I cut him off.

"That's not the point. The point is that we will never work. Maybe one day we will when I'm not so broken and you're not so jealous." I say quietly, making a move to get off of him. He doesn't protest this time. I mutter out an apology before exiting the living room, wondering into the kitchen.

My stomach was growling angrily in my torso, obviously mad at me since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday. I didn't exactly mind. See, I didn't have an eating disorder, nor an issue with food. I loved to eat. I just didn't necessarily think that I deserved to eat. I had lost a countless amount of pounds doing this, and I didn't plan on stopping any time soon. I was still felt empty, even while my stomach was full of food. So why should I eat? It's pointless to me.

I glanced around, locating my cigarettes on the counter on top of the microwave. I grabbed them, taking the lighter next to them as well before heading outside. I sat down on the porch step, opening the carton and pulling out a cigarette before lighting it and taking a drag.

I had never figured out Austin's addictive properties. I had always known that I've loved him. I've loved him like I'd never loved anything in my life. He was my everything, and just as he had claimed, I was his. But that didn't matter to me as of now. What mattered, was getting Austin away from me. My greatest fear was that I would fall into a relationship with him and I would fuck up, and hurt him. All I did was fuck up, and hurt others. I knew that I did. No one needed to tell me that I was a wretched human being, for I was fully aware.

My head fell into my hands as I realized that I had made myself upset. Tears of frustration flowed down my cheeks, falling onto the cotton fabric of my T-shirt. I sniffled, looking down at the ground from the space in between my fingers.

"What am I doing?" I quietly questioned myself, shaking my head. What the fuck was I doing? How could I possibly fall asleep on Austin, leading him to believe that we could end up together again? It was never going to happen, I was a time bomb. I refused to hurt him again, and I knew no matter how hard I tried, I would fuck up and I'd end up in the same position I'm in now.

I took another drag of my cigarette before stomping it out and reentering the house. I wobbled up the stairs, my head fuzzy and unfocused as I did so. When I reached my room, I pushed the door open, entering and closing the door behind me. I found my phone tossed onto my bed, a sticky note taped to the back of it's case.

'Left this in my pocket.'

I immediately recognized it as Austin's handwriting, remembering all of the love letters that he had written to me in high school. I shook the thoughts from my head, almost wanting to erase Austin from my life all together. I needed someone new, besides Kellin to take my mind off of things. Not like Aaron and Phil weren't great, but they were just as good of friends with Austin as they were with me. It wasn't necessarily easy to get over the love of your life while living with him. I needed a new best friend.

I picked up my phone and flopped down onto my bed, unlocking it and beginning to scroll through the contacts. Some people I questioned why I even had their numbers after four years. But, some people I was stoked to remember. Finally, it seemed as though I had found the perfect candidate. The one person who would take me in at a second's notice. Someone who was so entirely in love with me in high school. Someone who has obsessed over me ever since I could remember. That person happened to be Tyler Carter.

I clicked on his contact, smiling as I saw the number, silently hoping that it hadn't changed. I decided to send him a text, simply saying hello and asking if he'd like to hang out anytime soon, because I missed him. I tossed my phone onto the comforter next to me before glancing over to the mini-fridge I had in the corner. I pulled open the little door and pulled out a bottle of beer. Sounds like a perfect breakfast right now.

I twisted the top off, bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a sip before I heard my phone beep. No one ever texted me besides Aaron and occasionally Phil, and since both of them were at work, I figured that neither one of them needed me. Because let's be honest, no one ever needed me. So it had to be Tyler. I unlocked my phone, clicking on the message before reading it.

'Been thinking about you recently. Did you wanna hang out? I mean, if you're not busy with Austin...'

Shit, that sort of stung. I rolled my eyes before replying, telling him that I'd love to hang out and that Austin and I were history. I figured I'd better change into some decent clothes. Even if Tyler didn't want to hang out, I could always go out for a walk, maybe go to a coffee shop or see a movie. After I had gotten on some black jeans and a black T-shirt, I just flopped back into bed. I never seemed to care much for my appearance. My phone beeped once more.

'Starbucks on 4th Street. Meet me there at one.'

I typed back a 'yes' before pulling on my shoes and tucking my wallet and cigarette carton into my back pocket. Finger combing my hair, I stepped out of my room, running into Tino on the way out.

"Where are you going?" He asks, raising his eyebrows at me. No one in the house liked me leaving alone, considering that I usually came back either drunk or grumpy. Not like it mattered to me. But this time, I decided to have a little fun with the guys. Maybe it'd be fun to play a little joke on them.

"Going to check out some apartments on 4th Street." I lie nonchalantly, spinning around and continuing to walk, listening as Tino's footsteps trail behind me.

"What?" Tino asks, obviously very surprised. This pleased me. "Who said you could move out?"

"I did. I'm twenty two years old and I want a fucking place all to myself. Where I can smoke inside and not get smacked upside the head." I snap, real anger rising inside of me as he began doubting me. Who said I could move out? I fucking did. I'm an adult, I can go wherever whenever I fucking want to. None of these peasants own me. Thinking about it, moving out sounds like a pretty damn good idea. I'd give it more thought later.

"Alan, you don't mean that." Tino says flatly, still following me once I had reached the bottom of the stairs. "You wouldn't last a day without us to take care of you."

I turned around to face him, biting down on my lip until I drew blood. "Do you wanna test that theory? We'll see what happens." I roll my eyes, leaving the house and making my way towards fourth street. It was already twelve fifty, and I only lived two blocks away from fourth street. So I'd be a little bit early, but it's whatever.

I proceeded in my walk, deciding not to smoke a cigarette for once, and put some serious thought into moving into my own apartment. I knew that Tino was wrong. I could handle myself. I began to see the beauty of living on your own. There were no rules, nothing to compromise on. I could take a shit on the floor if I wanted to. Not that I want to, but just the general idea of doing whatever the fuck I want got me excited. Once I dumped Kellin, I could bring all sorts of boys home, moaning as loud as I damn well please. I've decided that I was going to move out. Not only was it good for Austin and I, but it was good for the rest of the guys too. They had to stop worrying about me. As much as they'd like to believe it, I'm not their little brother, and I never will be. I'm just as important as they are, and I know I have some issues but I know that I can get through them if I just figure out how to trust myself. That's all I need.

Pulling open the door to Starbucks, I ordered a hot chocolate and sat down in a booth in the back. I took slow sips, as to not burn my tongue. Soon enough, the bells of the door had jingled, and Tyler sauntered in, looking just as fucking hot as I remember him looking. Same sexy stubble, adorable smile, and amazing hair. He got his drink and walked over to me, sitting down and smiling.

"Hey," He says, beaming at me as his big, bright eyes make contact with mine. I found myself blushing, my stomach tossing and turning inside of me. What was this? "You look beautiful, as always."

My cheeks heated up even more as my tongue tied trying to find the things to say. I smiled at him before I spoke, not thinking about I was saying. "Thank you. So...are you single?"


	7. I Know I Won't be Leaving.

Tyler laughs before taking a sip of whatever was in his coffee cup. "I've heard the rumors about you, Alan."

I raise my eyebrows skeptically. "Like what? That Austin and I are over?"

The purple haired boy shakes his head. "No, I mean, all of the alcohol abuse and sleeping around."

"Abuse?" I sigh, glancing around to see if anyone was listening in on our conversation. Not that I really cared, I'd just rather not have strangers knowing all of my issues. "I'd hardly call it abuse, y'know? Just because I like to have a drink every now and again-"

"Your definition of abuse and mine must be very different to each other." Tyler smirks, only the corner of his perfectly pale lips turning up. "I've seen you around, Alan. I've even seen you stumbling drunk down the street with Aaron and your friends."

"I wish I was still able to call them friends." I grumble, leaning back in my seat. "More like babysitters is what they are."

"They're just looking out for you." He tries to assure me, but it was to no use. "You aren't exactly the most responsible person."

"I know I'm not." I laugh icily, nodding. "But, I almost wasn't let out of the house to come and see you. I'm a grown man, and it's like I'm growing up with four parents."

Tyler's eyes widen. "They didn't let you out of the house? They realize you're not a house pet, right?"

"Finally!" I huff dramatically. "For once, someone gets it."

"I'm sorry, Alan. I didn't know they were keeping you hostage." He chuckles, forcing a smile. "Let's get out of here."

I nod in agreement, standing up from the booth I was in.

"Where do you wanna go?" Tyler asks, leading me toward the door and holding it open for me. He'd always been a gentlemen. Even in highschool, he went out of his way to open doors for me, carry my books to class, or even driving me to and from school. I just wish I would've known he liked me before Austin came along.

"Doesn't matter. Anywhere outside works." I shrug, tossing my empty hot chocolate cup into a nearby garbage can before pulling my carton of cigarettes out of my pocket.

"Still smoking those things, huh?" He asks, watching as I pull one out of the container and setting it in between my lips. I nod, bringing my lighter up and setting fire to the end of my cigarette until I was soon breathing in my favorite kind of tobacco. "Aren't you worried about cancer?"

I shake my head. "Not afraid of dying. Y'know?"

Tyler nods, biting his lip. "You weren't this reckless in high school."

"I wasn't this sad in high school, either." I retort, looking at him before taking a long drag off of my cigarette. To be completely honest, I don't know why I ever started smoking these fucking things. I know that all they do is kill me a teeny tiny bit each day, but I can't bring myself to kick the habit. I liked smoking. I liked smelling like cigarette smoke. I thought it smelled good, especially when the smell of my strawberry body wash mixed with it. Too bad Austin hates my cigarettes, and the men that I go see.

Tyler frowns. "I remember you coming to school with a big bruise on your face every other week," He reminces, staring at the gash on my temple, that had just begun to scab over. "What happened to your forehead, anyway?"

I shrug, huffing and puffing off of my cigarette once more. "Must've fell down at Jack's party the other night."

"Barakat?" Tyler asks, raising his eyebrows. I nod in confirmation and he smirks. "I thought I saw a familiar mess of ginger hair out dancing."

I laugh, shaking my head. "Yeah, well, alcohol makes me do stupid shit."

"Then why do you drink it?" He questions, suddenly turning serious. Did I even know why I drank alcohol? I knew it was a poison, an addictive substance that haunts your every waking moment. But I still drank it.

"I'm not sure." I reply honestly, glancing down to my shoes before looking back up to him. "Enough about me. What're you doing lately?"

Tyler smiles as he takes a deep breath, the rising of his chest pushing up the fabric of his floral T-shirt. "I'm in a band. We're called Issues. So far, it's nothing serious. We've only had a few practices. We're getting there though."

"That's great!" I beam, genuinely happy for my friend. Who wouldn't be? Everyone had always known that Tyler's voice was something else. Something you only saw once in your life time. He was extraordinarily special. "You'll have to let me hang out for a practice sometime."

He nods. "Of course. If you promise me you'll stick around."

I raise an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You ditched me last time. You were supposed to stay with me. But you left with Austin."

"Tyler, look, I'm really sorry." I say sincerely, dropping my cigarette so I can wrap my arm around his waist and embrace him in a side hug. "You know why we couldn't date in high school."

"Yeah, because I was too much of a bitch to come out of the closet." He mutters, melting into my touch, yet keeping his eyes glued to the ground.

I shake my head, silently questioning if he can see it or not. "It's not your fault for being nervous. Everyone gets nervous, and I never blamed you. You came out when you were ready, and that's all that matters."

"Thanks, Alan." He smiles, looking back up to me. "Why don't you say comforting things like that to yourself?"

"Coming from me, they're excuses. Coming from someone else, it's an opinion." I reply quietly, looking down to my hands, my cheeks burning.

After a few more hours spent with Tyler, he had offered to drive me home. It was a great day. We had talked for the entire time, sharing what had happened lately, what we thought would happen in the future, and everything in between. I opened up to him as like I had opened up to no one else other than Austin. He made me feel safe and cared for; something I hadn't felt in what seems like forever.

Tyler stopped the car in front of my house before looking over to me. "I had a great time today, Alan. We should definitely do it again sometime."

I nod in agreement, flashing him a smile. "Of course. Text me later?" I ask, my fingers tentatively wrapping around the door handle, ready to push it open.

"Yeah, for sure." Tyler smiles back. "I'll see you soon."

I nod, smiling once more before exiting the car and closing the door behind me. My heart sunk down into my stomach with each step I took toward the front door. What were the guys going to say? Especially after I told Tino that I was going out to look at apartments for myself. Something in me doubted that they even cared about it. Yet, the more logical side of me was telling me that I was walking straight into a war zone. Pushing open the front door of my house, I stepped inside to find that everyone was sitting down in the living room, even Kellin.

"Who dropped you off?" Aaron asks calmly, turning to face me. A bottle of beer is clutched in his fingertips, signaling that not only was he drunk, but he was also angry.

"Tyler Carter." I say awkwardly, internally cringing when I saw that Austin's body had immediately tensed at the mention of his name. I slid off my shoes before walking further into the living room, sitting next to Kellin who was seated on the floor.

The dark haired boy sighs before pulling me into him, until I was sitting in his lap. I rested my head on top of his, silently hoping that I wasn't crushing him with my weight.

"Why were you hanging out with him?" Austin asks cooly, his tone as sharp as a tack.

"We were just walking around downtown. He ran into me when I was on fourth street." I explain, loosening up when Kellin took my cold hands into his warm ones, holding them with great caution, as if I might break if he put too much pressure onto me. The same way that Austin used to do.

"Why were you even on fourth street?" Aaron asks, leaning forward to set his bottle down onto the coffee table, looking straight into my eyes as he did so.

"I was looking at apartments." I answer. Aaron looked at Tino as if to say, 'You were right.' Austin just stares at me with a blank look on his face, his eyes practically burning holes into my flesh.

"Are we not good enough for you anymore?" Aaron snaps, leaning back in his seat. Why the hell would he even think that? If anyone wasn't good enough in this house it was most certainly me.

"Can we talk about this when you aren't so drunk and I'm not so sad?" I ask quietly. I didn't even want this conversation to happen in the first place, let alone while Aaron was drunk. Nonetheless, Aaron nods and shoos me away with his hand. I stand up, dragging Kellin along with me. With his hand still in mine, I mumble a quick 'Goodnight' before exiting the living room, Kellin following behind me. Once we were out of hearing distance and halfway up the stairs, I asked him if he would spend the night.

"Of course, babe." He replies, giving my hand a light squeeze before the two of use proceeded up the stairs. We reached the top and I led him toward my bedroom. I opened the door and ushered him in before closing the door. We dropped each other's hands as both of us began to strip. I tugged off my pants and shirt, as I was watching Kellin do the same. His pale body shone in the moonlight, revealing his skinny frame to me. We both got into my bed, his arms immediately wrapping around my waist. Just as he presses his lips against my back, my phone vibrates. I unlock it, quickly clicking on the message and seeing that it was Austin.

'Don't leave us. I honestly don't know what I would do if I couldn't see your face everyday. I know I did you wrong, and that I don't even deserve a second glance from you, but that hasn't killed my emotions for you. Have you ever heard the saying, 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone'? Well I can tell you firsthand that it's true. I took you for granted, Alan. And I can tell you that it will never happen again. I don't care what it takes. I am going to fight for you back until it kills me. I'll treat you how you deserve to be treated, Alan. I am going to be all over your business until you take me back again. I love you.'

My heart began to pound in my chest, and I had almost forgot about Kellin. I replied back to his text before turning around and burying my face into Kellin's bare chest, silent tears running down my cheeks. Kellin held me closer to him, whispering calming words into my hair as I clutched onto him, hoping that this pain in my chest would quickly come to a close. Eventually, I had fallen asleep, but not before I realized what I had sent in reply to Austin's text. The words felt so natural and easy, I hadn't even realized what I was saying. I must have felt it, and that's what startled me.

'I love you too.'


	8. Its Killing Me to See You This Way.

I woke up alone. My bed was once again empty, and I questioned whether or not I had dreamt of Kellin spending the night or not. I found a note on my nightstand, so I guess he actually stayed with me. I picked it up with shaking hands and read it.

'Had to go to work. And I read your fucking texts. Maybe it'd be a good idea to change your password once in awhile. Just leave me alone. We're done.'

"Shit," I sighed, reaching up to rub my tired eyes. Getting up out of bed, I snatched up my cigarettes and lighter before I headed out of my room. I didn't care about my appearance anymore. All I could care about was the fact that I had fucked up another relationship in one of the worst ways possible. I knew I never should've gotten with him in the first place. All I do is destroy. Making my way down the stairs, I ran into Tino half way.

"Jeez, you look like shit, dude." He says, eyes widening at my appearance. Great. Not only did I feel like shit, but I also looked like shit. Today is definitely not going to be a good day for me, I can already feel it. My heart is heavy and I want nothing more than to tear the flesh from my bones in a miserable rage. I don't even know where my inner flame went. I was hopeless and I officially had no one. Dark matter fills the spaces where the sun had been some years ago, and honestly it sucks.

"Thanks." I grumble, pushing past him and continuing down the stairs. My footsteps were heavy and slow while I walked, my eyes glued to the floor beneath my sock covered feet. I made my way into the kitchen, ignoring Phil and Aaron calling my name. I entered the kitchen, finding Austin at the stove, cooking what sounded like bacon.

"Goodmorning, Ash." He says happily. Shit, someone was in a good mood. Great. I'd better leave him alone before I fucking ruin it for him. He'd be disappointed to find out that I was once again feeling lifeless, and like a complete asshole. I didn't even have to try. I was just naturally a freak of nature and ruined everybody's day and broke too many hearts. Some people think that it's cool to be a heartbreaker. Or maybe that it's fun. But it's not. You can't go on with your day knowing that you've caused someone inner pain over something you've done. I'm not a fan of hurting people. I hurt people because I'm scared of them, and don't know what else to do to prevent myself from getting hurt. I'm a fan of hurting myself, if anything. Because I definitely deserve it. And Austin doesn't need any of my hurt dragging him down.

"Hey." I reply, pulling open the fridge and leaning down to grab a bottle of beer. Nothing like drinking at a nice ten am.

"How could you possibly start drinking this early?" He asks, raising one eyebrow skeptically as I twist the cap off. He was trying to determine what was wrong with me today, and I hated it. No one should worry for me.

"I dunno," I shrug, taking a sip from the bottle before sliding open the glass door and going outside. I sat down in my normal smoking spot on the patio before open my carton and pulling a cigarette out. I set it in between my lips before lighting up and taking a long drag. I blow it out just as I hear the door opening. I don't look to see who it is coming outside since I already know who it is.

Austin sits down next to me, flashing me his signature goofy grin that I've missed so much. "I've missed your secondhand smoke."

I chuckle dully, before picking up my beer bottle and taking a slow sip. "Yeah. So, uh, what's up?" I ask not feeling awkward. Which is saying something considering that I can barely go into the gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes without having an anxiety problem.

"Just missed you. Thought I'd come out and try to make conversation." He replies easily, crossing his legs in front of him. My heartbeat went faster at his words, yet at the same time I wondered what anyone would ever miss about me. I was nothing special, just an average fucked up kid. That was all.

"Well, I'm not exactly the best conversationalist. But I'll try to keep you interested." I answer, taking another drag. I blow out the smoke before he opens his mouth to talk.

"You've always kept me interested. Even when we hadn't had a conversation in five months. You will always interest me." He states, his cheeks flushing a light shade of red as he talked. My stomach clenched, and I can only assume that my own cheeks were blushing red.

I smile as I stare down at my feet. I could not feel better than this. No one had been able to lift this sadness in six months, except for him. He had broken the walls, and I finally felt like someone was really trying for me again. No one had ever really fought for me, except for Austin.

"So, are you going to tell me what's been up with all this drinking business?" He questions, finally getting extremely serious, as I knew he would. "And sleeping with all of these new people. Last time I checked, my Alan wasn't like that at all."

"That's because I wasn't your Alan anymore." I answer nervously, feeling like I shouldn't tell him this. My heart was screaming and begging for me to pour my heart out to him, yet my brain was screaming and begging for me not to. I didn't go for the latter. "It killed me when we had broken up. You were my heart, my soul, my everything. And when I found you in bed with that...Oli kid everything in me just withered away. There was no more sympathy, empathy, nor love left inside of me. I was nothing but an asshole, and still am. I was worried that I'd end up being hurt again by someone, that I hurt them before they got the chance to hurt me. As for all the times in between, I found satisfaction in the bottom of a bottle. Some days it seems like all emotion has just...gone. Today is one of those days."

Austin remains silent for a moment. I can only assume that he's thinking of the right thing to say, or mulling my words over in his head. "I'm sorry, Alan."

And those three words felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. For once I wasn't the one saying those words. I was the one receiving them. Those three words were the things that told me that everyone makes shitty mistakes, and almost everyone regrets them. They interpreted that he actually truly felt regret for his actions, that he actually loved me in the way that I loved him. I looked over to him, finding him already staring at me. I bit the inside of my lip before scooting closer to him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, his found their way around my waist as I leant in. We hugged for what seemed like hours, but I was enjoying every second of it. Missing the feel of his skinny frame pressed to mine, and smelling his cologne and feeling his long fingertips resting on my back. We pulled away, and he looked a bit shocked.

"Why are you crying?" He asks eagerly, staring at me with utter concern.

"I'm crying?" I wonder aloud, looking at his shirt finding that there were circular wet spots on his T-shirt from where my tears must have hit. He reaches forward, using the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears from my face as he stares into my watery eyes, making my insides melt. It's been awhile since we'd looked at each other this. Staring not at each other, but into each other, looking for something that neither one of us could find in anyone else but one another. That's when I knew that he was my absolute everything and I loved him with the entire of my being.

"Yeah," He whispers, a smile spreading across his lips. "I really fucked us up, didn't I?"

"It wasn't your fault." I whisper back, taking his hands in my own and removing them from my face. I brought our hands down and set them onto Austin's crossed ankles. "It was mine."

We stared down at our interlocked hands, mine on the bottom, exposing my pale inner forearms to the both of us. I internally screamed, knowing that he hated seeing them. He had once told me that he'd had nightmares about them. That they haunted them every time he'd see them. He absolutely loathed my scars.

"You haven't...?" He asks trailing off as his eyed remained glued to the scars I had laced into my own skin. They were a milky white in color now, being that they were five to six years old. I still hated them.

"No," I answer honestly, looking up and staring at him. "I haven't even thought of it."

He looks up, a small smile plastered onto his lips. "Good. Uh, would you like to come downstairs and watch a movie with me maybe?"

I nod, taking a long drag off of my cigarette before dropping it into my beer bottle and standing up just as he does. He slides the door open and I follow him inside before turning around and sliding the door shut. I turned around to find Aaron, Phil and Tino all staring at Austin and I in shock. I look to Austin, finding him smirking before pulling open the door to the basement and heading downstairs. I shrug at the guys before following Austin down the stairs and closing the door behind me. I follow the faint light shining from his room so I don't fall down the stairs. Once my feet reach the basement floor, I grin and sit down on Austin's bed as he's crouched down examining the movies in his massive collection. The two of us finally settle on 'Aladdin' for the sake of Robin Williams.

He laid down behind me, pulling me down with him before wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into him. I melted into his touch, allowing him to put one of his legs over both of mine, pulling me even closer to him. Soon, one movie turned into two, and two turned into four, and four almost turned into eight, but after the seventh movie, I found Austin asleep behind me, holding onto me tightly, not allowing for me to go and change the movie. I glanced to the clock in his room, finding that it was already ten at night. That was an acceptable bedtime, I guess. So I closed my eyes and leaned further into Austin, allowing myself to slip into a deep and comfortable sleep.


	9. Oh God, I'm Sick of Sleeping Alone.

For once in what feels like forever, I didn't wake up alone. I woke up in my love's arms, opening my eyes to find him staring right back. The corners of his lips turned up as we gazed into each other, as I fought the demons in my head telling me that this wouldn't last. I bit my bottom lip as he uttered a tired 'Goodmorning', his morning voice still as sexy and rough as I had remembered it to be.

"Goodmorning." I reply quietly, smiling at the tightening of his arms around my waist, pulling me in toward him. Our stomaches were touching now, as were our chests since I had buried my head into the crook of his neck. He laid down on his back, and pulled my right leg up over him as I wrapped my arm around his stomach. His right arm rested on my waist, gently tracing patterns with his fingertips onto the bruised skin.

"Do we have to get up?" He asks, turning his head to kiss the top of mine. "Because I'm kind of really enjoying this." My heart rate increased at the words, and I finally came to the realization of how much Austin really missed me, and how much I had hurt him. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to have to deal with all my demons, and issues. They were my own cross to bear, and if he even tried to solve any of my problems, I was going to stop telling him about them. That was the only way to assure that I wouldn't become a burden to him. Overnight he had become an essential to my happiness and if I lost him again, well, only time could tell what my mind would make me do to myself.

"Of course we don't." I murmur into the soft flesh of his neck, able to smell what kind of bodywash he was using, and I quickly recognized the scent as mine. "Have you been using my body wash?" I question lazily, feeling his chest rise and fall as he chuckles.

"Yeah, uh, I guess I've really been missing you. I even took one of your shirts." He says shyly, as I smile. My heart ached at the fact that he longed for me, and I refused to be there for him. He was willing to do anything to for me to take him back, when all I wanted was a sincere apology. And I had gotten one. I had let him have a sneak peek into my head, how my brain works, how I've been feeling. How all of this time that I've slept with all of these other men in a shallow attempt to replace him for my own comfort, I never noticed his pain. I'm a bad person.

"Well, you don't have to miss me any longer." I reply, before pressing a light kiss to the side of his neck. "Because I'm right here and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon." I find that he's smiling as I sit up, despite his arms trying to hold me back down to him. I stare at him for a moment, taking in his bed head, clouded eyes and expression, loving every second of it. "Don't you think we should do something today?"

"We were doing something. We were cuddling until you pried yourself out of my grasp." He retorts with a smirk, staring up at me as I raise my eyebrows at him. "Okay, okay." He says, raising his hands up in mock surrender. "What do you think we should do, Princess?"

My cheeks burned at the nickname, but I kept my excitement under wraps as his hands fell back onto my waist. "Uh, maybe we could go downtown with the guys? I mean, if they want to, because they probably hate me because I'm such a fucking prick and I don't blame them because I hate me too, and I'm sure you probably secretly hate me and you guys are just waiting for a time to kill me and-"

"Alan." Austin says sternly, sitting up and staring into my eyes. "You're rambling. The guys don't hate you, they miss you more than anything. Especially Aaron, he just wants his little brother back and doesn't want you to leave. I, on the other hand couldn't hate you even if I tried. I love you to pieces and really wish that you could believe it."

I bit my lip, feeling the sudden familiar feeling of guilt washing over me like a tidal wave. But when Austin leaned in to kiss my cheek, I knew that he was right, as he often was. The empty space inside of me had began to fill up, and I don't think I could ever get enough of the feeling coming over me. No one hated me except for Kellin, which I really didn't give a shit about. I felt terrible for hurting his feelings, but that was about it.

"Going downtown would be awesome. Now, maybe you should go ask them while I'm in the shower." Austin smiles as I get off the bed, leaving his hand in mine as he stood up as well. I was nervous. Nervous that I was going to be rejected by my best friends and that everything was going to turn into a real shit show. But I nodded, nonetheless, allowing Austin to pull me up the stairs. He opened the basement door and entered the kitchen, as I followed, staring at the back of his shirtless frame. Tino was sitting at the dining room table, newspaper in hand. When Austin and I entered, his eyes widened as he stared up at us, clearly taking in our shirtless bodies and fucked up hair.

"We had a movie night!" Austin says happily, Tino smiling in return before Austin ran off towards the bathroom, the sound of his bare feet slapping the hardwood floor becoming more distant with each second. Tino looked up at me, his eyebrows raised in question.

"Are you two...a thing again?" He asks eagerly, staring at me. I didn't know the answer to that question. For once in my laugh I had assumed that I had known everything and fixed all the wrong in my life. But obviously I was wrong. What the fuck was I supposed to tell this kid? If I said no, Austin's feelings might get hurt, and if I say yes, Austin might get mad at me because we'd never made it official. So I went with a different option.

"I dunno." Is my expert reply. He doesn't look like he believes me, but I take a deep breath and stare him down, holding the anxiety in my stomach so I don't flake and say anything else. It seems to work, as Tino flashes me a wink and a smile before going back to his newspaper. Well, that went better than expected. "I'm not done." I say, gathering his attention once more. He looks up to me, as if saying to go on.

"Would you, uh, maybe wanna go downtown with the guys and I later? Its cool if you don't want to, I uh-"

"I'd love to." He cuts me off and I'm glad he did. I don't handle rejection well. I'm far too sensitive, and it hurts my feeling to be honest. I nod and smile before pacing off and entering the living room. Aaron and Phil are seated on the couch. They glance up at me, their eyes surprised.

"Do you guys, uh, wanna go downtown with Austin, Tino, Phil and I?"

Three hours later and what seemed like an endless time of getting ready, I found myself walking down the brick sidewalk with Austin's fingers laced in mine, and the guys walking in front of us. Downtown was a great place to be, really. There's lots of things to do, see, and even eat. Ugh, eating. Just the mere word began to upset me. I did my best to ignore the hunger pains as Tino suggests that we go to a restaurant called Mexican Maya, which was obviously a Mexican restaurant.

I bit down hard on my lip as Austin led me in through the large, wooden doors, cringing when the smell of food hits my nostrils. We were seated at a large booth in the corner of the restaurant, Austin and Phil sitting on the ends, and Tino, Aaron and I were in the middle.

"What're you gonna get?" Austin asks quietly, as the others are mulling over their menus. How was I supposed to tell him that I wasn't going to eat? Do I just blurt it out? Or do I lie and say I'm feeling sick? That doesn't make any sense though, why would I suggest going out if I didn't feel good? I decide to stick with the truth, y'know why? Because I care about Austin's feelings more than mine. He deserves to know the truth.

"I'm not eating, Aus." I respond in the same hushed tone. My eyes did a quick scan of the table, making sure none of the guys were listening in. Last thing I needed them to know is that I also have a food problem.

Austin eyes me skeptically, but behind the facade I can see the worry and concern in his eyes. I have to keep telling myself that it was a good idea to tell him the truth. "Why not?"

"See, I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question," I explain, doing my best to lighten the mood. Obviously it didn't work very well since Austin wouldn't let the matter drop.

"I don't care, Alan." He says quickly. "Why aren't you eating?"

I take a deep breath, questioning myseld whether or not this was really worth sharing. Would it be just another problem? Another thing they had to worry about? I already knew that I was a burden, and I said fuck it and decided I might as well tell them. Shit, if something goes wrong, I can always take the easy way out. I'd just have to make sure that Austin chose the songs to play at my funeral. "I can't. I'm fat, Austin. Look at me. I look like a fucking marshmallow."

"Oh God, Alan," Austin sighs, resting his head in his hands. Well, if I wasn't absolutely fucked before, now I was. The other three stare at Austin, then back at me. "Tell them what you just told me." Austin mutters sadly from beside me.

"I can't do that!" I whisper harshly, attempting to push him out of the booth so I could scramble out of the restaurant. But he wouldn't budge.

"Fine. I will." Austin snaps, and I don't recall him ever being so harsh with me before. My love looked up at the others, as he sighs."Did you know that he didn't eat? "

Aaron's ears seem to perk up as his eyes made contact with my own. "Is this true?" He asks quietly, his gaze holding mine for at least ten seconds before I answered.

I nodded, biting my lip. "You g-guys said I was chubby and it really got to me." I say, fighting the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "I'm n-not fat anymore am I?"

"Oh, Alan." Aaron says sadly, his eyes falling down to my body, which had shifted away from Austin's in shame. "I'm so sorry. It's just, uh, you're so skinny now...it's unhealthy. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't know it'd effect you like that."

"Well obviously it did." Austin snaps, protectively snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me into him. Our sides were pressed as close as they could possibly get, not like I minded.

"Everyone, let's just chill out for a sec." Tino says, moving his hands in a calming motion. "Let's just take a little time to-"

"Hi! Are you guys ready to order?" Our dark haired waitress seemed to come out of nowhere, and by the looks of her name tag, her name was Stacy. That name reminded me of sunflowers for some reason, and I thought sunflowers were beautiful. Stacy was also very beautiful. Big green eyes, long, wavy dark brown hair, and a tall and slim frame. She'd be cuter with Austin than I would, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was most definitely interested in hs

"Yes, we are." Tino continues, his eyes darting quickly over the menu before setting it down, and telling Stacy what he wanted. After everyone had ordered, Stacy looked at me with those big, gorgeous green eyes and asked what I wanted. I looked at her for a second, noticing the way her black dress pants perfectly hugged each of her lovely, long and skinny legs. I wanted legs like that. And I was going to get legs like that.

"Just a water is fine for me." I reply quietly, but loud enough for her to hear. I notice concern flash in her eyes before she nods, telling us that she'd be right back with our drinks, and she'd put our order in.

"You're eating half of my food." Austin states bluntly, not once easing his grip around my torso. I just sighed, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling the rising and falling of his chest as he took each breath. My eyes found Aaron's, and he looked sad, guilty even. Which I didn't want. I didn't want anyone to feel any sort of remorse for me whatsoever. No one.

"Aaron, I'm fine." I state certainly, forcing a smile just for good measure. Did I know whether or not I was fine? Of course not. Nobody does. But I didn't need my best friend to worry that my heart was shattered. He didn't need to know that I knew I didn't deserve to eat. And my best friend definitely didn't need to know the longing to commit suicide lingering in my chest and head.

He nods, taking a deep breath. See? I knew I had fucked up. I knew I should have gotten out when I could have. I was in too deep with these people and I was beginning to fear that they were stuck with me forever.

Austin leant down and pressed a kiss to my temple before mumbling, "We only want what's best for you."


End file.
